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This is really just a little blurb about a college film buddy I know that just had a birthday Dec. 1st. I won't tell you that he's 31, because he's really stuck at 27. I also won't tell you his real name (Here comes the explicit part), because in actually I don't know if I have ever called him by it. His real name could be M. Beauchamp, but I generally refer to him as Beachcumfuckballs. Sometimes I get more creative and less offensive: Bakedham (actually a new one), but more likely I'll refer to him as, Bitchfan, Beachcumbuckets, or Crap. You see he started it with wonderful derivatives of my last name way back in the day, and I don't think real names have been used since. So happy birthday you thirty-one year-old M.B. Beachammerstein. May you strike it rich in Portland!
posted by The Shiv at 12:07 AM
9 Comments:
Just recently, Jason (who?) and I were making a movie. I called him "Shiv-nuts", as in "hey Shivnuts, hand me that cable?" There was a young gal on the set new to our hi-jinx who heard this exchange. She thought it was high-larious and started calling Jason (eh?) by it. Shiv got a little angry when she called him that and then turned to me and muttered, "Dammit, Beauchamp!
For the sake of educating the public, here are the classic varations of Shivers names:
Shivnuts
Shy-vers
Shit-Ass
Shit-ners (also, Crapners)
Shiv-llphis
Shiv-errhea (one of my faves)
Shit-Nuts
Shinkelstein (i like this one cause it's a borderline semetic)
Modern variations or complete breakdowns (in other words, it's just now become calling each other by disgusting names)
Shitonmynutsack
shitpiss-ners
Shitasssuckfuckcock-ners
Shy-pissners
And just so ya know, none of Jason's friends/family seem to know me by my first name.
Oh yeah, I forgot something else. Remember when we were a production company? One of the names was "B-S PRODUCTIONS" or B-S Prod. as it was nicely known. Guess what B-S stood for! My fave production company name was SHIV-HAM! There was gonna be lightning bolt symbol between the Shiv and Ham kinda like the Shazam! logo.
I may post again to list all my favorite names that Shit-ners has given me over the years.
Yes, that recent film was "Peripetia." If you want to see what we did check it out HERE.
The "young gal" was Zhila Shariat our sound engineer for the production. And for the record I never got angry, I was just surprised that someone other than Beotchamlet would call me by one of my production names.
Although I do have to thank Matt (who?) for using my last name as my first in college, because it wasn't until then that I truely appreciated it. And thanks to Matt (eh?) I now use it at work as my first name because we hired another Jason and after only to days it was confusing for the whole office. So thanks Butterball, for everything.
SHIV->HAM!
Oh, yeah. I forgot that due to a small cult film by Long Weekend Productions (right?) I'm also known as Dr. Redfox.
Redfox? He's a genius! A diabolical genius!
okay sorry, i've gotta keep this post going... it's too fun... here's shiv's names for me:
beachballs
beotch-ham
beotch-man (actually not jason, but someone else gave me this one)
beachfuck
beachshitfuck?
hamfuck
fuckballs
shiv-atners, please add some more...
BTW, i hate it when someone calls me beech-nut--it sends me back to high school and coaches who liked dipping skoal called me that. if u wanna turn me into an instant asshole, use that one. Luckily, Shivers has never used that one and has been much more clever than some dumbass coach(es) who live in Conway, AR.
Dave Rasmussen, or Dave, or:
Dr. Assmuffin
Dave Raspberryfun
Razorfins
Asscream
Rapemen
Rimjob-muffin
I like how they got worse as you went down the list...
Cave Sins
Shave Muscle
Passgassin
The $600 Equipment Manager
To name a few.
I didn't know if I was supposed to add it here or not, but Beacham wanted me to include the ever fabulous nickname of:
CRAPHAM
krap'ham n. - Any piece of crap that resembles a nice slice of Virginia baked ham.
This post isn't dead yet! More classic Rasmussen names (sorry dave):
Raz
Raz-muffin
Ras-berries
Ras-enboisenberries (i think shiv came up with that one)
Ras-mussolini (shiv came up with that one while we were looking at the poster for a forgotten cher film called tea with mussolinni)
Ras-attack
Ras-mustard
Ras-custard
Raz-enberry
Ras-moussen
and my fave:
Ras-turbation!
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